mQk8W8EnbLs.srt

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I was reading a study the other day on 
marital stability.

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Gottman has done some really good 
analysis of couples behavior.

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He has set up a lab that's basically a 
bed and breakfast and he brings couples 

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in there for a weekend and he had wires 
the mop physiologically and monitors 

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their reactivity and so what is he can 
predict whether a couple's going to 

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divorce with 95,
94 percent accuracy.

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It's like impressive.
So what is he found?

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He found two categories of.
He's.

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He's identified two phenomena that are 
very much worth knowing.

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The first is that the couples who are 
going to get divorced and they come into

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the bed and breakfast and they speak 
with each other quite commonly,

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but it's more walking on eggs calm and 
while they're speaking with each other,

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normally their physiology is like 
they're very aroused and so.

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So they're sort of aroused like someone 
who's facing a predator.

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So you might think about not unhappy,
couple as Predator and prey to each 

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other.
And so the words are there mostly to 

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stop predatory activity,
not to actually communicate anything.

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It's just to keep the surface calm.
So then you might think,

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well,
what's under the surface and what it's 

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under the surface.
So Freud would say it's what's under the

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surface is unconscious and,
but you can say,

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well,
what's under the surface is one of these

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hierarchies and it's all banged up and 
twisted and,

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and not in reasonable shape.
And so people don't want to open the 

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door to that.
So.

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But they do.
And this is a Freudian slip.

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So let's say this goes to the second 
part of the Gottman's observations.

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So

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the woman goes over to the window and 
she says,

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oh look,
there's a cardinal outside,

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you know,
cardinals,

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that bright red bird,
that kind of cool looking,

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you know,
it's kind of a trivial thing in some 

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sense,
but by the same token,

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it's like it's a little positive thing 
and you know,

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20 of them in a day's good thing.
Okay?

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So then the,
uh,

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the partner,
the husband in this example has a two by

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two matrix of choices.
One is,

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who the hell cares about your stupid 
bird?

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Okay,
so that's one.

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The second one is then you go over and 
look at the bird,

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right?
And then the third one is you don't make

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the contempt noise but you act it out 
and the fourth one is you go over there 

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like a civilized human being and you 
know,

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and that you're interacting with someone
that you care for and you take a look at

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the damn bird and you're happy about it 
and it.

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And that's as truthful and real as you 
can manage.

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Okay,
so the option,

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that's a Freudian slip,
right?

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Because what it says,
there's a whole monster underneath that 

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and the monster,
all the disorganization in this entire 

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structure.
It's like the might be.

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We have been tormenting each other about
various things for the last 10 years and

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none of them are resolved and I'm not 
very happy about you for so many 

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reasons.
I can't even remember all of them and I 

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can't enumerate them right now because 
that would take forever and maybe we 

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would have a huge fight.
But by the same token,

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I'm not going to come over there and 
make you happy with your stupid bird and

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I'm going to indicate that suddenly so 
you can't call me a son of a bitch 

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because I've just sighing and that's 
what I'll say if you do ask me,

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but I'm going to load all that up and 
I'm going to deliver it to you.

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And what's going to happen to you is 
because you're smart,

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is your heart rate's going to go way up,
like you're being attacked.

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And the reason for that is you are.
So what the good couples do,

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the couples that you know will stay 
together is they respond to each other's

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bids.
He calls them bids.

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And so if one person wants to share some
little trivial daily positive thing with

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the other,
the other,

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you know,
isn't carrying around a bloody cartload 

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of resentment and is able to respond to 
that in a positive way.

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And that way the general interactions 
between the couples stay positive.

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But that's also because they've worked 
this out.

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Now,
you know it's got to be because they 

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work it out because the couples who are 
physiologically reactive to each other,

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they're communicating,
but there's all sorts of horror 

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underneath the surface and we're trying 
to figure out,

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well,
what is it that's underneath the 

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surface?
What's the structure of the unconscious?

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Well,
that's the structure of the unconscious 

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and it's either well structured and 
functional and mutually agreed upon and 

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as explicit as possible,
or it's this constantly.