SnaLIVvOahE.srt

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The chaos is hiding in what's irrelevant
and so,

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and that's very interesting observation 
because since the chaos is virtually 

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infinite,
it's a real question is where the hell 

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do you put it while you put it in what 
you ignore and you can ignore it as long

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as it isn't actively interfering with 
your movement forward,

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you can assume that it's that it doesn't
matter that it doesn't matter that it 

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doesn't matter.
Same thing.

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All right?
So here's the kicker.

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There's one more class of things that 
you can run into along the way and this 

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is where the chaos breaks through.
So let's say

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you're moving from point a to point b 
and something that you don't expect 

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occurs and it gets in the way.
So let's say that you're living with 

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someone and maybe you kind of liked 
them.

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You're not married so you don't like 
them that much because otherwise you'd 

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ask them to marry you.
But anyways,

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um,
and so ha,

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quarter of youth as looking for 
something better and three quarters view

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is half satisfied,
something like that.

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And then a person because we're 
ambivalent about such things.

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And then the person you discover or the 
person announces that they've been 

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having an affair.
Okay.

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So then how are you supposed to respond 
emotionally to that?

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Well,
the part of you that wasn't all that 

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committed to the relationship is kind of
exhilarated by that.

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And then the three quarters of you 
that's half satisfied is hurt and,

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and you're going to exploit that part 
for sure in the ensuing discussions and 

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not mention the,
oh,

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that's kind of exciting that you've 
betrayed me that way.

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So,
so,

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but the point is,
is that you,

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that's a whole.
Now what's happened is a whole has you 

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have this structure that you're walking 
on ice thin ice that you're skating on 

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and now there's a hole in it and the 
whole,

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we don't even know how deep the hole is,
but you know there's a hole there and so

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now you're anxious about it.
They'll maybe also a little bit excited 

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because God only knows what's down there
but,

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but you don't know what to do with that 
whole because it could spread very badly

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on you.
It could be that you know the whole 

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relationship was a facade and that all 
your relationships have been facades,

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facades,
and that the reason that is is because 

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you're so damn shallow that it's 
impossible for you to have a 

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relationship that isn't just a facade 
and that's partly because you don't pay 

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any attention to other people and it's 
also partly because you're malevolent 

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and selfish,
so that's a nasty thing to discover or 

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maybe that's the sort of person that 
you're attracting,

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which would make sense actually,
if that's the sort of person that you 

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are and so,
so there are certain things that you can

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encounter that basically unglue you,
and what happens is that those moments 

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of being unglued travel up that entire 
hierarchy of presuppositions.

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It's like because the one of the logical
conclusions to being betrayed in a 

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relationship is that you are,
that you're truly a bad person.

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Now another equally logical conclusion 
is that the person that you're with is 

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really a bad person,
and another logical conclusion is all 

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people are truly bad people.
You know,

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I mean in,
in,

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in macro ways,
at,

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in microwaves.
You can't trust anyone.

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You can't trust women.
You can't trust men.

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You can't trust human beings.
You can't trust yourself.

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The whole place is a catastrophe.
It's a nightmare.

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Well,
then you can fall through into chaos.

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Now the way your body responds to that 
or maybe you know you're supposed to be 

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getting a promotion at work,
that's good.

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You're all chipper about the promotion 
at work and you walk into your boss's 

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office because he or she wants to see 
you and they say,

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well,
you know,

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we've reviewed your performance over the
last few years and your performance has 

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been somewhere between mediocre and 
decent and we're downsizing and see you 

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later.

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That's not a raise or a promotion,
that's for sure.

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That's a whole that you fall into and 
the question is,

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well,
what do you make of that?

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Right?
How do you frame that?

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How do you take that emergent chaos and 
make habitable order out of?

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You don't know.
Is the whole capitalist system rotten to

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the core?
I mean,

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that's a convenient explanation under 
those circumstances.

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That's for sure.
Where you're working for a psychopathic 

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son of a bitch.
Did you make the wrong choice in 

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university and was that your father's 
fault because you never did what you 

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wanted or was it your fault for not 
standing up to them or is it a dying 

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industry or is maybe there's a wake up 
call that you should go do something 

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else that you've been waiting to do you 
know that you've actually wanted to do 

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your whole life and that's why you're 
doing such a miserable job at your 

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current occupation because you're bitter
and resentful about the fact that you 

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never did what you want.

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You don't know.
It's all of those things at once and 

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that's very stressful because all of 
those things at once is too many things 

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and that's the reemergence of chaos.
That's the flood.

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That's the return to the beginning of 
the cosmos.

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That's another way that it's been 
represented.

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Mythologically.
It's the you voyage all the way back to 

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the beginning of the cosmos when there's
nothing but undifferentiated chaos and 

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that's what you're confronting and maybe
it's too much for you and often it is.

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I mean that that can really.
That can be traumatizing and it can hurt

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your brain,
you know it's just too much for you to 

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bear,
but it doesn't matter.

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You're stuck with it,
and so how do you respond to that?

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Well,
some of it is catastrophic negative 

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emotion.
You freeze and that's protective and 

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maybe you don't even want to move.
You don't want to bloody well get out of

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bed for a week and that's because your 
body is reacting as if the bedroom floor

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is covered with snakes and the best 
thing for you to do is just not move.

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Just freeze.
Not a pleasant situation to be in 

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because it's your hyperaroused very,
very physiologically demanding and 

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there's zero about it that's productive 
except maybe the snakes won't see you,

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but they've already seen you,
so that isn't helping very well.

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So you've got all this undifferentiated 
native,

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negative emotion,
fear,

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hurt,
anger,

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guilt,
shame,

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emotional pain,
the whole plethora of catastrophes.

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And then maybe on the other side lurking
down there is,

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thank God I'm done with that job.
I just bloody well hated.

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I dragged myself off to work every day 
and there's a little part of my soul 

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that so goddamn happy.
I finally got fired that I can hardly 

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stand it.
You know,

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and maybe you don't even admit that to 
yourself because,

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well,
that would mean that all that time you 

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spent at the job was just sunk costs.
You're diluting yourself the whole time.

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Um,
it is an interesting thing to consider 

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those sometimes if you're in the 
unpleasant circumstance of having to 

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fire someone,
you know,

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sometimes firing someone is the best 
thing that can happen to them,

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which doesn't mean that you should go 
out and like enjoy it.

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Although I have met very disagreeable 
people who actually enjoyed firing 

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people.

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And I'll tell you a story about that at 
some point because it's quite 

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interesting,
but you know,

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sometimes if someone's just limping 
along in their job and doing it as 

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miserably in wretchedly as they possibly
can imagine,

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the best thing you can do to them for 
them is to say,

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you know,
you're failing at this.

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And,
and that doesn't necessarily mean that 

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you would have to be failing at 
absolutely everything else in the entire

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world.
So maybe you should just accept the dam 

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failure and go off and try something 
new.

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And I mean,
that's terrifying for people and I know 

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they hate it and all that,
but,

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but,
but sometimes it's better than the 

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alternative,
which is just slow,

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torturous death.